Uhoh. She put God in quotations. Yep, that’s because she is undergoing yet another major revelation of faith. The first was the discovery that she was not, nor could ever be Christian. The second was the discovery of eclectic Wicca. The third, eclectic Pagansim. The fourth, Norse Paganism. And now I find myself once again at a threshold.

Really, this procession of epiphanies have not been so much conversions as refinements in what I believe. At first, I rejected Christianity with disdain and cynicism. I realize now that while I certainly do not believe in Yahweh or that Jesus Christ was the son of god, or even a true prophet, there is much good and some truth to be had in Christianity. Then, when I rejected Wicca, I rejected the “laws” I found one day (all 100+ of them; the 10 Commandments would have been easier to follow!) and the “fluffy bunny” mentality and the “All Gods are One God” stuff. Then, I realized that eclectic Paganism, while fun, was not really my thing, since I am a historian and a stickler for accuracy. Plus, I realized that mixing Gods was probably not such a great idea. But now I’m starting to think that even Norse Paganism (a more free version of Asatru, and certainly more free than Theodism) is restricting me.

The Norse Gods intrigue me, and always have, but while I love and admire some of them, there are others I dislike. And while I love Scandinavian traditions, I find myself reluctant to adopt the rites and rituals of yore. And then, of course, there are always the questions: Who are the Norse Gods? Do they exist? What role do they play here on earth? If they do exist, what powers do they have?

Though I consider myself Pagan, I have never really practiced ritual. For one because I have lived my entire life either in the house of my parents or in a college dorm room/apartment (until next week, that is. Hurray!). For another, because ritual seems empty to me. I would much rather go for a walk in the magickal first snow or light a candle in the darkness and enjoy a cup of tea than cleanse, put on a robe, cast a circle with an athame, command the elements, and bid the Gods do as I wish. And while I love the idea of witchcraft, in practice I think it too dangerous. Besides which I have a lovely life and have no need to use the Craft to try and change it.

I also find myself increasingly secular. Though most Pagans are, I would say, thoroughly secular in their public life, I find myself caring less and less about the existence of an active, powerful Deity, and more interested in nature, food, life!

I care more about knowing the names of plants and animals and the stars than I do of learning astrology or myths or memorizing the healing properties of gemstones.

I’d rather cook a good meal than cook up a spell.

I’d rather knit a scarf than weave magicks.

I’d rather light a candle than raise a cone of energy.

I think I am like this because I have a very dichotomized personality. On the one hand, I am a hopeless romantic, a dreamer, and an idealist, in love with magick and nature and asthetic beauty and wanting to radically change the world for the better, ever-striving for something close to utopia. On the other hand, there is my practical, down-to-earth, and realist side. This is the one that takes care of the details whilst the other side dreams big. This is the side that becomes every more cynical of humanity. This is the snobbish, intelligent, scientific, analyzing side.

These two sides attempt to balance each other through my Paganism. The magick and beauty and reverence for nature are what attract me to Paganism. But truly believing in the Gods and the power of magick? That is much harder for me to do.

In “The Secret Magdalene,” Ki Longfellow writes, through her characters, that God is in all of us, and that Life itself is sacred. Increasingly, I think this is true. Humans are such marvelous creatures, both biologically and intellectually. But I think people are all-too quick to ascribe both joys and sorrows to a deity. I don’t think so much that “things happen for a reason,” but neither is everything random chaos. At the same time, I cannot believe in “intelligent design.” There is perhaps a force in the universe (but not, of course, The Force), an energy (for energy can be neither created nor destroyed, only transferred) that permeates all things and beings and through the actions of beings guides the fates of these beings.

*sigh* And now I’m starting to sound like those New Age-y types I sometimes despise. But it’s difficult, trying to explain the universe! *grin*

I am not atheist, but I think I might be coming ever-closer to agnosticism. No, not the indecision of whether or not there is a God or many Gods, but rather, more of an indifference to God(s). If some God would move me, let him or her move me. If not, I say let me live out my life in peace. Because that is what I intend to do: live.

When I am closer to death, I shall contemplate that at length, I think. But I have a good 50 years, and quite possibly 75 until that time will come (or so I hope).

And now, since I have contemplated myself out, and it is very late, I shall to bed.

P.S. Did you know it is winter? A very soft, very deep snow falls, not fast, but steadily outside my window in the inky darkness. Falls as it has all day, though it is curiously warm out and there is little wind (unusual in and of itself). Maybe I will finally be able to use my snowshoes I got for Xmas five years ago… Let’s hope. I could really use a long, quite walk in the winter wood.